I am...

Let's be honest. Today, right at this moment, I am in an ugly, irritable palce. Why? I have no clue. I just am. Oh, wait. Didn't I just say, "Let's be honest"? Sorry to dump here, but here goes...

I am stressed beyond belief. I get paid from SSDI once a month and the money just does not cover even the basic of living expenses. Then, top it off with a heaping of the IRS who has now garnished my SSDI for back taxes owed by my ex-husband, who, sadly committed suicide in March. I have no fight left in me to deal with them, so, take the stinking money and let it be over.

My fiance is unemployed  once again, and we are further in debt than I care to discuss. Every day is a struggle financially and I am so tired of fighting it. Always robbing Peter to pay Paul. Unfortunately, Peter is now broke and Paul, well, sorry about your luck. I have started a small business to try to earn some income at home but who knows if it will be successful or even a little profitable. Trusting that God is opening doors, but I feel like they are rusted shut. I am drowning...

I tell myself everyday, "count your blessings". I take an inventory of the wonderful things in my life and eventually get side tracked. Well, at least I started and I KNOW I am blessed. However, the feelings are still there. My head and my heart are having difficulty communicating. Stupid brain.

I feel misplaced, out of sorts, unworthy, useless. I have a mother who wishes I "would hurry up and die". I have a father who has another daughter who is his "pride and joy". I no longer have a church family and am not in a place to put myself through having one again. I no longer have a ministry in which I felt like I was doing some good in someone's life. I am not in a position to be able to help my own children financially and it just breaks my heart when I have to be honest with them and tell them so.

I'm walking my "fake it 'til I make it" walk and the honest truth is I just can't keep doing it. So, where do I go from here and what do I do? God, are you there? Are you listening? I'm back at the place where I am comparing Eagles and Ducks. Why am I a duck? What good is a duck?


Here's what I am going to do, just for today; I am going to believe that there is a purpose for my being a duck and focus on the beauty of the duck. I am going to count my blessings and put them in a "God box". I am going to pick up my sorry, duck butt and get off my pity pond and spread my wings and soar! Eagles are NOT the only ones who can soar!


And on that note, a skunk just sprayed somewhere in my yard. UGH!
Tomorrow is a new day...