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Lame Duck

I'm so tired of being lame...

Ethel, Are You Listening?

Do you ever feel like you're hearing from God but you're just not sure if it's Him or just the crazy ramblings in your own head? How are you to know for sure? I need to know. I don't claim to "hear" God or tell anyone that "God told me" because I the reality is, I just don't know. I do know that it is in my head all the time. WHY? It is almost driving me crazy.

A few months ago, a thought popped into my mind about writing a book. Not just any book but the book Lucy and I have been joking about for several years now; the story of how God has worked in my life to rebuild and restore me. This is not so much a story about me and the wreckage of my life but it needs to be a story about God and His Amazing Grace and Unending Mercy and what He can do when you open your heart and mind to Him and trust Him.

I finally did start writing and made it through the draft of the first four chapters and then I stopped. I'm doubting myself, my abilities, and why I am doing it, although it is continually on my mind. Daily.

Last night I watched the movie, "The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc". What a great movie but terribly sad. It made me feel this poor girl was tormented by the messages she received. However, she KNEW who they were from and what she needed to do and she did it.

I guess my faith is lacking in this area. Why would He ask me to write a book? What could I possibly have to say to anyone in that format? Why would anyone want to know the real story? How am I to write it without hurting someone else? What if my friends and family turn their backs on me? The questions go on and on. So do the thoughts: "You should write about this. Oh, this is a great scripture to reference. That song inspired me when I was going through "whatever". Oh, that would be a great title. I wonder if I can find a picture that inspires the title? Maybe I can take my own pictures and use them. Should I write it as a story or as a memoir?" The thoughts just do not stop. I almost feel tormented by it (but I would never compare it to the torment of Joan).

I have come to the conclusion that this little duck just needs to be like a "Nike" commercial and "Just Do It",  because whether it is from Him or just ramblings in my own mind, the outcome is in His hands and it will be whatever He wants it to be.

Going on strike is not an option...

I live with four males, two dogs and three cats. Yep, here it comes...the rantings of a loony duck at her wits end. Hmmm...where to start?

What is it about cleaning up the kitchen and washing the dishes that some men just don't get? Is it they're mother's fault? How long can we blame the mother? You would think after several (almost daily) passive-aggressive, mini tantrums on my part, they might get the hint...but NOOOOO... I just cannot wrap my mind around it. So, I have even come to the point of asking directly (at times, almost commanding) for them to clean up after themselves. Well, that just opens the door for even MORE frustration on my part. Our dishwasher does not work so dishes must be done by hand and I wash dishes two, and sometimes three, times a day, as well as clean up all the crumbs and food left on the counters, close the cupboards and bags of bread or chips left open and clean all the splatters all over the stove!

Restored Relationship

Today I attended a surprise birthday party for my dad's 70th birthday. It was wonderful and everyone had a great time. We worried my dad would not be happy because he just does not like things like that, though I think it's because he's never had one. I believed he enjoyed it and was even touched by it. However, I think the biggest and maybe even the best surprise he received was that I was standing right next to my aunt when he walked in.

My aunt and I had a falling out 8 years ago. Who's to say who was right or who was wrong. It just doesn't matter anymore. Time is too precious and family is something to cherish, not hold resentments towards. There will come a time when we look back on our lives and our hearts will be saddened for not taking the time to restore our broken relationships, especially when we had the opportunity to do so. Today was my day to do so. We faced each other and hugged and that is all it took. It was wonderful.

I am...

Let's be honest. Today, right at this moment, I am in an ugly, irritable palce. Why? I have no clue. I just am. Oh, wait. Didn't I just say, "Let's be honest"? Sorry to dump here, but here goes...

I am stressed beyond belief. I get paid from SSDI once a month and the money just does not cover even the basic of living expenses. Then, top it off with a heaping of the IRS who has now garnished my SSDI for back taxes owed by my ex-husband, who, sadly committed suicide in March. I have no fight left in me to deal with them, so, take the stinking money and let it be over.

My fiance is unemployed  once again, and we are further in debt than I care to discuss. Every day is a struggle financially and I am so tired of fighting it. Always robbing Peter to pay Paul. Unfortunately, Peter is now broke and Paul, well, sorry about your luck. I have started a small business to try to earn some income at home but who knows if it will be successful or even a little profitable. Trusting that God is opening doors, but I feel like they are rusted shut. I am drowning...

Steamed and Roasted Duck

Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I'm about to quack!

There was a time, in the not so distant past, that I was happy, joyous and free. Life was running pretty smoothly and serenity surrounded me as I glided on my little pond of life. Trials would come and I was able to hold my head high and paddle through with dignity. It was water off my little duck back. Ah, but that time has escaped me. Somewhere I lost my peace and serenity. I lost my patience and tolerance. I lost my joy.

A boulder rolled down the mountainside and crashed into my little pond creating a tsunami affect and the waves just keep coming. One right after the other, crashing over me, drowning me in anger, resentment and hatred. I cannot escape it for it hit my peaceful home. There is no more shelter.