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Lame Duck

I'm so tired of being lame...

Ethel, Are You Listening?

Do you ever feel like you're hearing from God but you're just not sure if it's Him or just the crazy ramblings in your own head? How are you to know for sure? I need to know. I don't claim to "hear" God or tell anyone that "God told me" because I the reality is, I just don't know. I do know that it is in my head all the time. WHY? It is almost driving me crazy.

A few months ago, a thought popped into my mind about writing a book. Not just any book but the book Lucy and I have been joking about for several years now; the story of how God has worked in my life to rebuild and restore me. This is not so much a story about me and the wreckage of my life but it needs to be a story about God and His Amazing Grace and Unending Mercy and what He can do when you open your heart and mind to Him and trust Him.

I finally did start writing and made it through the draft of the first four chapters and then I stopped. I'm doubting myself, my abilities, and why I am doing it, although it is continually on my mind. Daily.

Last night I watched the movie, "The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc". What a great movie but terribly sad. It made me feel this poor girl was tormented by the messages she received. However, she KNEW who they were from and what she needed to do and she did it.

I guess my faith is lacking in this area. Why would He ask me to write a book? What could I possibly have to say to anyone in that format? Why would anyone want to know the real story? How am I to write it without hurting someone else? What if my friends and family turn their backs on me? The questions go on and on. So do the thoughts: "You should write about this. Oh, this is a great scripture to reference. That song inspired me when I was going through "whatever". Oh, that would be a great title. I wonder if I can find a picture that inspires the title? Maybe I can take my own pictures and use them. Should I write it as a story or as a memoir?" The thoughts just do not stop. I almost feel tormented by it (but I would never compare it to the torment of Joan).

I have come to the conclusion that this little duck just needs to be like a "Nike" commercial and "Just Do It",  because whether it is from Him or just ramblings in my own mind, the outcome is in His hands and it will be whatever He wants it to be.

Going on strike is not an option...

I live with four males, two dogs and three cats. Yep, here it comes...the rantings of a loony duck at her wits end. Hmmm...where to start?

What is it about cleaning up the kitchen and washing the dishes that some men just don't get? Is it they're mother's fault? How long can we blame the mother? You would think after several (almost daily) passive-aggressive, mini tantrums on my part, they might get the hint...but NOOOOO... I just cannot wrap my mind around it. So, I have even come to the point of asking directly (at times, almost commanding) for them to clean up after themselves. Well, that just opens the door for even MORE frustration on my part. Our dishwasher does not work so dishes must be done by hand and I wash dishes two, and sometimes three, times a day, as well as clean up all the crumbs and food left on the counters, close the cupboards and bags of bread or chips left open and clean all the splatters all over the stove!

Restored Relationship

Today I attended a surprise birthday party for my dad's 70th birthday. It was wonderful and everyone had a great time. We worried my dad would not be happy because he just does not like things like that, though I think it's because he's never had one. I believed he enjoyed it and was even touched by it. However, I think the biggest and maybe even the best surprise he received was that I was standing right next to my aunt when he walked in.

My aunt and I had a falling out 8 years ago. Who's to say who was right or who was wrong. It just doesn't matter anymore. Time is too precious and family is something to cherish, not hold resentments towards. There will come a time when we look back on our lives and our hearts will be saddened for not taking the time to restore our broken relationships, especially when we had the opportunity to do so. Today was my day to do so. We faced each other and hugged and that is all it took. It was wonderful.

I am...

Let's be honest. Today, right at this moment, I am in an ugly, irritable palce. Why? I have no clue. I just am. Oh, wait. Didn't I just say, "Let's be honest"? Sorry to dump here, but here goes...

I am stressed beyond belief. I get paid from SSDI once a month and the money just does not cover even the basic of living expenses. Then, top it off with a heaping of the IRS who has now garnished my SSDI for back taxes owed by my ex-husband, who, sadly committed suicide in March. I have no fight left in me to deal with them, so, take the stinking money and let it be over.

My fiance is unemployed  once again, and we are further in debt than I care to discuss. Every day is a struggle financially and I am so tired of fighting it. Always robbing Peter to pay Paul. Unfortunately, Peter is now broke and Paul, well, sorry about your luck. I have started a small business to try to earn some income at home but who knows if it will be successful or even a little profitable. Trusting that God is opening doors, but I feel like they are rusted shut. I am drowning...

Steamed and Roasted Duck

Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I'm about to quack!

There was a time, in the not so distant past, that I was happy, joyous and free. Life was running pretty smoothly and serenity surrounded me as I glided on my little pond of life. Trials would come and I was able to hold my head high and paddle through with dignity. It was water off my little duck back. Ah, but that time has escaped me. Somewhere I lost my peace and serenity. I lost my patience and tolerance. I lost my joy.

A boulder rolled down the mountainside and crashed into my little pond creating a tsunami affect and the waves just keep coming. One right after the other, crashing over me, drowning me in anger, resentment and hatred. I cannot escape it for it hit my peaceful home. There is no more shelter.

Are you kidding me?

So I'm signing into my Yahoo mail and saw the article titled,"Speculation swirls around Obama photos". Of course my mind immediately goes to infidelity. With words such as "speculation, swirls, and Obama photos", whats a mind to think. So, I click on the article. Are you ready for what our society considers as "news worthy"?

Talk about a Dizzy Duck...

So I have been away for awhile. Not that I went anywhere or did anything. I have just been far, far away in a land in my own head. It has been about 6 months or so since my last blog and life has just been crazy. Some good, some bad, some ups and some downs. Life's just that way, isn't it?

I lost my job in August as I was out on disability and the company could no longer hold my position. Although, I just found out yesterday that the team I supervised was outsourced to India and I probably would have been out of a job anyway. My state disability ran out in mid-October and to date I am still fighting for my SSI. I lost my medical insurance on the first of September and currently have none of my numerous medications or my diabetic testing supplies. Currently I have NO income and am just about as financially stressed out as I can be. It has been a rough 6 months and I see many more coming, but hey, let's focus on the positive.

I do have a new wonderful man in my life and he has been such a blessing. I have the love I have always desired and we are truly happy and comfortable together despite the financial hardships. He is so very supportive and encouraging and loving! There is a down side though...He is a duck hunter!!! How very ironic that Lucy and I begin a blog called Dizzy Ducks and we are both attached to duck hunters. Hmmm... We're keeping things on the down-low until duck season is over. Ha ha ha...

After months of discussion and researching, Lucy and I are going to start our own business. We are going to start a Virtual Assistant Service and are so excited to be on this new adventure. I was telling her today that I had a starting point and a list of things we needed to accomplish in order to get started but I have been doing more and more research every day and am just completely overwhelmed at this point. We have so much information to read and so many things to accomplish that my head is just spinning.

I wake up in the morning thinking about what needs to be done, I spend my entire day researching and then I toss and turn all night thinking about the overwhelming task at hand. I think I'm beginning to get nauseous... so, let's just tackle the simple task of coming up with a name. Yeah right. Not so simple. Then a tag line. Even harder.

My head hurts just thinking about it all. I'm almost frozen with anxiety. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be right back at it though. Success awaits this Dizzy Duck! Fear and anxiety will not stop me!

Afraid? Who me?

Do you ever stop to analyze your fears? Lucy and I have had many conversations over the past couple of weeks about fears...mostly mine. She seems to be afraid of nothing. Well, wait a minute, she has a fear of needles...Big Sissy! Anyway, during these discussions I realized that I use to be, pretty much, afraid of breathing! Every time a subject came up, I would say, "oh, I use to be afraid..." or "I'm afraid of...". Shoot! Was there anything in my life that I was not afraid of??? These conversations sparked not only much hysterical laughter and endless daunting from Lucy, but her family as well, as she couldn't keep her Lucy Duck bill shut! LOL... Just kidding Lucy!

Hope...

I have been reflecting a lot this week on one of my favorite promises from God, Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

A few years ago I was thrown into a period of hopelessness. A place of despair so deep that I could not see any reason to hope for anything. My dreams smashed beyond anything I could have ever imagine. I know that sometimes our dreams and hopes and expectations are broken or changed or even disappointing but mine were obliterated with such a violent force it felt physical in my heart. Does that make sense? It was a time on my knees, pleading with God just to let it all end.

Let's talk dreams...

I had a dream the other morning that I was drinking my favorite Bucky's beverage, a tuxedo mocha, and that I had misplaced it. I purchased another and again, I misplaced it. That sounds pretty much like me in my waking life. In my dream, I ran into an aquaintance from a ministry I use to serve in and offered to buy her a mocha also since I had misplaced mine, yet again. I was walking through the parking lot to the door of Starbucks and a homeless man with a red backpack walked up to me and tried to take my money. I started running and he bagan chasing me while I desperately clutched my $6.00.

So, what does it all mean?

Faith...

It absolutely amazing to watch God work in some one's life but it is even more amazing when you can see him working in your very own. I am smack in the middle of watching God work in my life. He has asked me to trust him and I feel I have taken that leap of "faith" into His arms. As the "Serenity Prayer" says, "Trusting that You will make all things right...".

As I stated before, I have been in a state of disconnect in just about every part of my life. I have been off of work for 7 months, out of ministry for 4 months, ended an engagement I realized I was not ready for, and have drawn away from the church for no reason at all. Lots of big nothingness in my life. I kind of feel it has been God's way of forcing me to slow down and really reflect on what is important and teaching me to trust Him in all areas. I feel Him drawing me back into his arms and assuring me that I do not have to be in control of everything. He's got my back.

Life

So how many times have you wanted to know what your purpose is in this life. Is it your career, your family, your church, your service to your community. I know for many years I have pondered this. I don't know anyone who hasn't asked themselves this question. At 20yrs old, your lucky if you have set a goal to try an obtain. Most of us don't plan life we just let each day happen and deal with comes your way that way. As you get older and you begin to look back instead of forward you wonder what happened to that excitement, those dreams. Good friends have come and gone, family members have been lost. We are looking for what must be a very complicated, complex answer. And it's getting harder, the divisions are getting wider. Whether it is money, morals, entitlement we are not the same. Yet we continue to get up and move each day, some miserable, some happy feeling blessed for another day. So the answer...................everyone has their own theory. For me its being the best I can be, serve humanity so we may all have hope of why we are here.

I was sitting struggling to find something to write about when I hear Hanna Montana say, "Selfworth comes from within, not from others". Wow, a relevant and meaningful message from teen pop sensation, Hanna Montana! How funny that I was just thinking about this concept this afternoon when I text a long time friend, that I have not seen in years, that I am not the same person he knew years ago.

I think about how much my life has changed over the years and I think "change" is the wrong word. My life has "evolved" over the years. To evolve is to come forth gradually into being. Yes, I have come forth into being and it was a long, slow process. In years past there was no me. There was only everyone else. I was who and what everyone else wanted me to be. The problem was that I really could never be who and what everyone else wanted. A vicious cycle of failure.

Evolution is a slow, purposeful process and

Customer Service? Are you kidding me?

I consider myself a pretty mild-mannered, easy-going, good natured person, but on occasion something will rub me the wrong way and I just become ridiculously ungracious and ill-tempered. The very sad part is that it doesn't have to be anything serious or big; the smallest infraction of stupidity can sometimes send me over the edge of no return.

Due to the numerous years as a supervisor, handling customer service issues, combined with my codependent, people-pleasing nature, "Customer Service" is very important in my world and can make or break a business and/or a person. I strive to provide "Superior Customer Service" and it is what I expect in return. Unfortunately, the attitude of today's generation is that they are doing us a favor or that we are inconveniencing them when we ask for assistance. There is one young lady though, at a shoe store in Elk Grove, that has the most pleasant of attitudes for someone in customer service but is as dumb as a rock. Seriously, not a winning customer service combination. Yes, yes, I will admit, I am being critical and harsh and it is obviously something I need to work on but COME ON...

CPAP? What the crap?!

I have been recently diagnosed with sleep apnea on top of my numerous other ailments. At 44 I'm beginning to feel like I'm 94. Well that's not even true because if someone lives to be 94, they must be in some semblance of health, which I am most certainly not. Sucks... Anyway, back to the sleep apnea.

In my conversations with some friends, they have all told me, "Oh you'll just have to wear one of those breathing machines when you sleep. So-n-so had one and it's not that big of a deal" or "So-n-so had one and couldn't stand it so they won't wear it". The technicians and other people told me that it would help me to get a better night sleep and I would start to feel better because I was able to get that deep REM sleep without interruption. Riiiight. My wonderful friends and family basically laid it out for me: I would be ok with it or not. No one, not one person, prepared me for the trauma of really wearing one. Now mind you, I did wear one for about 3-4 hours during my sleep study but for some reason, that still did not prepare me for the reality of what they call "continuous positive airflow pressure", CPAP.

Wayward Purpose

My purpose in life seems to escape me these days. For the past three years, I have had and known my purpose. I knew in my heart that I was exactly where I was suppose to be, doing exactly what I was suppose to do. Now, within a matter of a few months, I seem to have lost my purpose.

Once again, I find myself in a season of loss and change. I have not worked in 7 months due to several medical issues that cause me constant pain. The ministry group that I was so devoted to, has disbanded. I have tried other groups in the ministry but I am just not able to walk in and serve. The church I attended has gone through a season of change as well and most people I was close with have left. I find myself not attending church often anywhere as I just dread starting over. I backed out of an engagement that I wasn't ready for. No church, no ministry, no work, no fiance. Just a bunch of pain that limits everything I do.

Do I have a wayward purpose? One that has turned away from what is right or proper and is disobedient? Maybe I have a prodigal purpose. A purpose that has been spent fully and lavishly on the ministry that I was so in love with and now is gone. My hope is that it return to me and once again I embrace it fully and celebrate with the fattened calf.

So I wait for the unknown purpose to be revealed to me. I wait prayerfully and in anxious anticipation for that purpose. I know from experience that His purpose for me is greater than any direction I could go on my own.

Dizzy begets…

It all began Friday afternoon when Lucy and I picked up my new “sexy-librarian” glasses. Of course I thought I was kinda “HOT” for a brief moment in time and sang all the way home, “I’m too sexy…”. The reality is that they’re progressive bifocals (my first), I’m in the poorest of health and so overweight that “Hot” kinda cooled off many, many moons ago. I’m a little on the tepid side now but hey, I had new “sexy-librarian” glasses. It’s all in the perspective, right?

So Lucy, her husband and I go to dinner at Red Robin and there is where the dizziness of my undoing begins. Under Lucy’s insistence, because I have new “sexy-librarian” glasses, we each drink, not one but two, Nuclear Ice Teas (Long Island Ice Tea on steroids I suppose). I’m just excited because I can read the menu without having to take my glasses off. I am told that progressive bifocals are a little difficult to get use to but I seemed to have no problem Friday night. Imagine that, new progressive bifocals and mind numbing alcoholic drinks and I think I’m fine.

Dizziness begins deep within. In the state of stupidity topped with a heaping of vanity.

A beautiful adventure...

I have spent the last two days recuperating from a day trip to the Napa Valley with Lucy. My body hurts so bad I can't think straight. Heck, you would think that I ran a marathon the way my body feels but all I did was drive! Ok, there was a short hike up a hill at the castle but, DANG it was only a very small hill! On the way down the hill, we even got a "thumbs-up" from someone driving by in his car. We must have been a sight. This is a picture from the top of the hill.